Cartman Diet
by Ptwistasista
Summary: When Cartman has to be absent from school for a week, he hires a temp to take his place in the group. My first attempt at a South Park fic! Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Cartman Diet

Summary: When Cartman has to be out of school for a week, he hires a temp to take his place in the group.

A/N: This is my first attempt at a South Park fan fiction. Constructive criticism is appreciated; flaming is not -_-; With that said, enjoy! :)

Chapter One: How to be an Asshole 101

"AARGH!" Cartman groaned in pain; he had thrown up for the seventh time in a row that night. "AARGH!"

Mrs. Cartman was holding a bucket for her son to vomit in and was careful not to let any of it splash anywhere.

"Oh, my poor baby!" she cried. "What's happening to you?"

"AARGH!" Cartman groaned again. He coughed violently, choking on his own vomit while gasping for breath. Mrs. Cartman rushed from the room with the full bucket and dumped its contents into the bathroom toilet. She gave her son the empty bucket and rushed downstairs to the kitchen phone.

"I'm calling 911!"

Less than 15 minutes later, the ambulance arrived and placed Cartman on a stretcher. The sirens got the attention of all the neighbors who came to see what the problem was. Stan and Kyle, both in their pajamas, were the only children among the crowd of adults.

"What's going on?" Stan asked sleepily.

"I don't know, dude," Kyle replied groggily. "This is, like, the 4th time this week Cartman's gone to the hospital."

As the paramedics wheeled him to the ambulance truck, the two boys caught a good look at Cartman. His hair was ratty, with bits of puke on the ends and his eyes were flooded with tears of pain. His face and body were covered in sweat and he coughed and gagged loudly until the ambulance doors shut behind him.

"Whoa, Cartman looks like hell," said Stan gaining some wakefulness.

"He does, doesn't he?" asked Kyle. "I don't think he's gonna make it to school tomorrow."

"Sound good to me," said Stan. "I was getting pretty tired of hearing him whine about his stomach hurting anyway."

At the hospital, Cartman lay in bed exhausted from the vomiting. His mother held his hand and stroked it to comfort him. Soon, the doctor came in with a clipboard and gestured to Mrs. Cartman to approach him.

"How is he doctor?" she asked tearfully.

"Mrs. Cartman, this is the fourth time in a week we've seen your son. And I can guarantee you he has been stricken by the worst case of food poisoning I've even seen."

"Oh, my poor little Eric!"

"He'll need plenty of rest and a strict diet if he's going to recover from this. Until he shows signs of improvement, he'll have to stay in the hospital for a week." The doctor put his arm around Mrs. Cartman. "I'm sorry."

The doctor left the room and Mrs. Cartman came to her son's side to fill him in.

"A week?!" Cartman shrieked.

"Yes, sweetie," said Mrs. Cartman. "The doctors said you need to rest for a while and have a more restricted diet."

"But what about the rest of my Easter candy?!" Cartman demanded.

"Well, poopsy-kins, maybe you shouldn't have saved it until this late in September."

"But Meeem! I want my Easter candyyyyy!" said Cartman with a grating whine.

"I'm sorry Eric, but I can't risk having you throw up like that again. That candy is over a year old."

"But Meeeeeeem….! The Cadbury eggs are my faaaaavoriiiite!"

"I'm going to get rid of that candy. And make sure that all your homework from school is brought to you here." Mrs. Cartman continued, not even acknowledging her son's pleading

"But Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeem!" Cartman said in an even more grating whine, "There's no point of missing school if I have to do hoooomewooooooork!"

Mrs. Cartman gave her son a quick kiss on the forehead.

"I'll be back to see you tomorrow, sweetie."

"Meeeeeeeeeem!" Cartman whined again while reaching out to her.

"Good night, Eric." Mrs. Cartman said sternly. And with that, she left her son in the hospital room.

Cartman slumped down in his bed, sulking and folding his arms in frustration. For a while he stayed like that, worried for his candy but also for his friends. He wasn't about to let them be without him for a week; let them indulge in freedom while he suffered here in the hospital. He was going to make sure that they and South Park Elementary would never know he was gone. He ran his fingers through his hair to neaten his appearance and then snagged his iPhone from his duffle bag.

He dialed a long phone number and after a long while of ringing, he heard a muffled, "Hello?"

"Heeeyyy," said Cartman, "You remember that favor you owe me, babe?"

"Yeah," said the voice.

"Well…I'm calling it in." Cartman looked around to make sure he wasn't being watched and whispered into his phone, "I'm in Hell's Pass Hospital."

A worried mumble came from the iPhone.

"It's a long story; I'll fill you in when you get here," said Cartman

"Get…there?" the muffled voice asked.

"Be here in one hour," he said firmly. "I'll fill you in on everything and on what you're going to be doing for me this week."

The next day, Stan, Kyle and Kenny were all standing at the bus stop in their usual way.

"So, did you hear?" said Stan. "Cartman's going to be out of school for a week."

"Seriously?" asked Kyle.

"Yeah," mumbled Kenny, "and they're gonna give this really crappy paste diet while he there," he added with a muffled laugh.

"Serves him right for being such a fat-ass," Kyle chuckled.

Suddenly, a fourth child came to their bus stop. She had pale skin and long, blonde hair pasted to her ears by a pair of dark blue earmuffs. She was also wearing a dark gray coat and pink pants. All the boys looked toward her as she came to stand next to Stan.

"Who are you?" asked Stan.

"Hi," she said, "You must be Stan."

"Yeah," said Stan.

"And you're…Kenny and you're Kyle, right?" the girl said pointing to each boy.

"Yeah," said Kyle. "Who are you?"

"Oh, I'm new here," chimed the girl, "My name's Cierra. You're my cousin, Eric Cartman's friends, right?"

Stan's eyes went wide. "_You're_ Cartman's cousin?"

"Mm-hmm," Cierra nodded. "I just moved here. I actually wasn't supposed to be transferred to South Park Elementary for a few weeks, but I'm here to fulfill a request for my dear cousin," she said with a smile.

Kyle was a little confused, "…A…request?"

"Uh-huh!" Cierra said. "I'm gonna be you guys' Eric Cartman for the week, until my cousin can step back in," she explained in a chipper tone.

The children stood in an awkward silence until Kyle broke it.

"…I'm sorry…What?!" he asked in disbelief. Was this girl off her rocker?

"I know I don't look like much," Cierra began digging her feet in the snow, "and I couldn't possibly stand up to the original but I promise you guys," she put a hand to her heart, "I'll do my very best and be the best Cartman you've ever had!" Cierra placed her hands behind her back and swayed innocently. "Until Eric returns at least," she added, capping off her sentence with a cheerful giggle. The bus soon arrived and Cierra rushed to it. "Come on, guys!" she called to the boys in the same cheery tone. "Let's have some serious fun this week!" With a wide smile on her face, she boarded the bus leaving the boys completely dumbfounded.

"…Dude…" Stan began. "…What the _hell_ just happened?"

"I think…we got a replacement Cartman," said Kyle.

"If _that's_ our Cartman for the week," Stan began, "this is gonna be one _interesting_ week."

"I'll say," Kenny mumbled, awestruck.

As the boys entered the bus, Cierra was nowhere to be found.

"Huh," said Stan. "Where did she g—Ahhhhh!"

Stan lost his words and his balance as suddenly found himself careening towards the floor with Kyle and Kenny right behind him. Stan was face-to-face with the bus's aisle, while Kyle and Kenny were face-to-ass with Stan and Kyle respectively.

Suddenly a cruel laugh filled their ears.

"Check it out, everybody!" Cierra cackled, "It's the face-to-ass centipede!"

Everyone on the bus laughed at the three friends all the way to school.

A/N: And so it begins! I'll be making an effort to post a new chapter to this story by latest after the new episode of South Park premieres each Wednesday. You read, so review please! I'll see you all next week! :3


	2. Chapter 2

Cartman Diet

Second Chapter! Sorry it's a little late but stuff happens. Regardless, enjoy!

Chapter 1-Being the Devil's Advocate

The boys were on the edge of their seats riding to school. The second the bus pulled in, they scurried towards the school like rats away from a hungry cat. They made their way to the 4th grade classroom, not even bothering to stop at their lockers

"Dude!" said Kyle as he came to his seat. "What the _hell _was that on the bus?"

"I don't know," said Stan sitting as well, "but she _did _say she was gonna be our Cartman for the week."

"I know," said Kyle. "but she seemed like such a nice girl. Like she didn't know what she was doing."

"What do you mean?" asked Stan.

"Well, why would she straight up tell her future victims she's gonna be an asshole to them?" said Kyle. "I mean, if she was acting nice to lull us into a false sense of security, that's one thing," he continued, "but making a week of bullying sound like an afternoon picking daisies? That's _weird_."

"Maybe," said Stan. "But she _did _humiliate us on the bus."

"Yeah," added Kenny.

"So, she obviously means business." added Stan. "Why don't we just try to ignore her?" he suggested. "Let her know we're not cool with her pulling off shit like that."

"Good idea," Kyle agreed.

Slowly, the classroom began filling with students. They chattered excitedly and Kyle caught a few words common to the conversations.

"...Cartman...Hospital...New girl…"

"Looks like word's already spreading about Cierra," Stan whispered to Kyle.

"After what happened on the bus, I'm not surprised," Kyle grumbled.

"Don't let her get to you, Kyle," mumbled Kenny.

"Yeah, don't let her get to you," said Stan. "That's exactly what Cartman wants."

"Right," sighed Kyle. "I should concentrate on ignoring her." With that, Kyle took a few deep breaths to relax, as Mr. Garrison walked in.

"Alright, boys and girls," Mr. Garrison said with his familiar drawl, "settle down, settle down."

Kyle felt a frustrated frown creep across his face as he saw Cierra walk in behind the teacher.

"We have a new student joining us today," continued Mr. Garrison. "This is Miss Cierra Cartman, and before you all start asking the obvious, yes, she _is _related to Eric Cartman."

The kids in the classroom began chattering excitedly again.

"Why don't you tell the class a little about yourself, Cierra? Is there anything more interesting about you besides the fact that you're related to a scumbag?"

The students all snickered but Cierra gave a brief sneer before beginning to speak.

"Yes," she said in a low but firm voice. "I've never been to a public school before. I used to go to a private school in New York City but I was only there for about a year." Kyle looked toward Cierra and noticed her wringing her hands nervously. His frustrated frown began to soften.

"My mom and dad have pretty important jobs, too." she said in a less firm voice as she began to shuffle her feet. "One of them's a doctor, the other's in the military." Cierra looked out to the classroom and saw the blank faces of her classmates. She began to wring her hands more urgently and looked down to the floor. Kyle felt his mood shift completely from frustration to curiosity. Was this the same girl that tripped them on the bus?

"Um…" Cierra muttered, at this point barely audible. "That's it." she finished, sounding defeated.

"Alright, Cierra," said Mr. Garrison coming next to her, "Since we don't have a desk for you yet, you can just use your cousin's."

Cierra's feet pattered softly as she made her way to the empty desk. She set her backpack down by her seat, sat down and then Mr. Garrison officially began class.

"Now do we all have our current events articles?" asked Mr. Garrison as the students began to pull them from their bags. "Who would like share theirs first?"

Wendy Testaburger's hand went up almost instantly.

"Alright Wendy, come on up." He waved to her come to the front.

Wendy took her article and typed report from her desk and stood before the class. She cleared her throat and began.

"My current events report is about pop culture, more specifically the music industry and its negative influence to the feminist cause." Wendy strengthened her tone as she continued. "A few weeks ago, a recording artist named Robin Thicke released a song whose misogynist lyrics and even more misogynist music video are a complete slap to the face to any progress made in the struggle for women's equality."

"The video for this song features a handful of female models doing nothing but prancing around in their underwear, while the male recording artist, Robin Thicke and his two co-singers who are also male, are completely clothed and ogling them openly," said Wendy. "And that's the _censored _version! The _uncensored _version, features the female models completely NAKED!" Wendy shrieked, feeling fury bubbling to the surface but trying to keep as level-headed as possible.

As Wendy continued on her tirade, Kenny was writing down the song name and information feverishly. But Kenny wasn't the only one seemingly studying.

Kyle looked over to Cierra and saw she was deeply invested in a red book whose title he couldn't make out.

"How to be-," he whispered trying to peer over and see the rest but her hand covered the end of the title.

Wendy soon came to the end of her report.

"...In conclusion, it is my opinion that songs like these do nothing but foster rape culture and allows the objectification of women to be the norm in our modern-day society and it my hope that this report will have helped you all to understand that this is an aspect of our culture that must done away with. Thank you." She finished, giving a small bow to her audience as the class gave a light, unenthusiastic applause.

"Very nice, Wendy," Mr. Garrison said flatly as she approached her. "Does anyone have any questions for Wendy?" Everyone just stared blankly at Wendy and Mr. Garrison. "Thank God," Mr. Garrison said under his breath. "Okay, Wendy," Mr. Garrison began, just as Kyle saw Cierra look up from her book and set it down. "You can go sit-."

"Wait!" said Cierra whose hand flew up. "I have a question, Mr. Garrison," she said in her same soft, nervous voice.

"Ugh," Mr. Garrison sighed exasperated. "Alright, Cierra. What is it?"

Cierra cleared her throat and said, "Wendy, is it?"

Wendy nodded.

"Um...Where do you get off being such a…," she looked back to a page in the book on her desk, "a 'whiny, liberal, hippie bitch'?" she finished with a matter-of-fact tone.

Wendy's eyes widened considerably. "What?!" she screamed. "How dare you?! Don't you care how this is affecting women and girls just. like. you. EVERYWHERE?!"

"I thought _I_ was supposed to ask the questions here, Wendy," Cierra said in the same matter-of-fact tone.

"Ugh, I should have known you would try to antagonize me," Wendy said haughtily. "That's all your stupid cousin does."

"Hey!" shouted Cierra. "My cousin is _not _stupid! _You're _stupid for pushing all this feminist bullshit in our faces, while being a total hypocrite to what feminism supposedly stands for!"

Wendy froze, stunned that ignorance could run this deep into the Cartman family. "What are you talking about?!" she demanded.

"Well…" Cierra started. "Have you ever considered the actual feelings for the women in the video?"

Wendy raised her eyebrow and Cierra stood up and spoke with a stronger tone.

"Isn't it possible that maybe the women were more than happy to 'prance around naked' for the camera? How do you know they didn't willingly do it and maybe even had some fun? 'Cause they didn't have clothes on? The message I'm getting from your supposed 'feminist' ideals..." she said with quotation fingers, "...is that women should only be allowed to appear in media fully clothed and conservatively dressed. But isn't that an 'anti-feminist' statement too?"

Wendy stood silent as Cierra finished. "Even if the women in the video _were _forced to be naked, aren't feminists that say the video is misogynist _just because of the fact that they are naked_ also pushing another misogynist viewpoint that all women should be conservatively dressed and never allowed to express their sensuality?"

As Cierra finished her statement, everyone in the room stared towards her, their mouths agape and their minds blown.

Wendy found her voice again and tried to give a rebuttal but, "Well...I...I...That's….a really good point…" was all she managed to voice.

"It's...just what I was thinking…"said Cierra softly as she returned to her seat.

Wendy went back to her seat as well, feeling thoroughly bewildered. A relative of _Eric Cartman_...actually voicing an argument opposing hers in a tasteful, intelligent way? This was unheard of for Wendy. Kyle was blown away too. First, she's chipper and cheerful, then she's a bitch, then she's a shrinking violet and now a skilled debater? Cierra returned to her book and made a quick note in it. And as the next speaker came up Kyle kept watching her wondering, what was this girl's _deal?_

A/N: A little short but I like how this turned out. Next chapter next week; Read and review please! It will make me a happy kitty! :3


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Hey everyone….I'm sorry for not updating last week but I ran into some computer trouble the same way SP Studio ran into electric problems. I decided to take the extra time to improve this chapter, I feel like they keep getting longer. Anyway, I hope I make the wait worth it! Enjoy!

Chapter 3: Chapter 2—Insults

Cierra continued to impress in the classroom, even performing circles around Kyle in Math. Her skills in each of the subjects managed to take the pressure off of all the kids in the classroom right up until the lunch bell. As it rang, Kyle, Stan and Kenny watched Cierra rush to the classroom door, disappearing into the hallway before anyone even left the room.

"Who knew Cartman's cousin was so smart?" said Craig as he put his books away.

Clyde nodded putting his books away. "Let's just hope she doesn't screw with the grading curve too much."

As the two left the room, Stan and Kenny waited for Kyle to put away his books.

"If Cierra's trying to be the substitute Cartman," said Stan, "she's gonna have to start being a little dumber."

"Try _a lot_ dumber," mumbled Kenny.

"I still can't believe how many times she managed to show you up on those Math problems, Kyle," said Stan but Kyle didn't seem to hear him. "Kyle?" Stan called to his friend.

"Huh?" Kyle responded. "Oh...yeah…"

Stan and Kenny looked to each other and Stan stepped forward to his friend. "Kyle? Are you ok?" he asked, concerned by Kyle's distractedness.

"Guys…" Kyle began, "do you think, maybe, the tripping on the bus was an accident?"

"What? This morning?" asked Stan. "No," he said simply. "Why?"

"I don't know," said Kyle. "I guess... hearing Cierra say she's Cartman's sub and then...what happened in class…."

Stan realized where Kyle was going. "Being smart doesn't mean you aren't an asshole, Kyle," said Stan. "She might be trying what she did at the bus stop; acting one way, then doing something else."

Kyle still seemed uncertain. "Maybe...You know what? Forget it. Let's just go to lunch." Kyle walked past his friends to the door.

"Dude…" said Kenny, "What's up with him?"

"I don't know," said Stan. "Let's just keep an eye out for anymore asshole moves by Cierra."

"Yeah," agreed Kenny and they both followed Kyle to the lunchroom.

Because the boys arrived much later than their classmates, the lunchroom was heavily crowded with a long line to get food. The three boys settled themselves at the end of the line and found themselves moving only millimeters every minute. Kyle surveyed the lunchroom to pass the time and noticed, despite the cafeteria crowd, Cierra had managed to sit by herself at a large table. He saw her reading the same book she was reading in class and still couldn't make out the title.

'How To Be A...' he thought, trying to think what the title could be.

"Dude!" shouted Stan, drawing his attention from Cierra. "Move it! I'm hungry!"

A large space had formed in front of Kyle and he quickly scuttled forward to close it.

In another part of the cafeteria, Wendy, Bebe and a few of the 4th grade girls were looking for a place to sit.

"Ugh," groaned Bebe. "All the tables are taken. Where are we supposed to sit?"

Wendy looked around and noticed Cierra's empty table. "Look," she pointed to Cierra. "She's got a full table to herself."

"I don't know, Wendy," said Bebe in a concerned tone.

"Oh, come on, Bebe," said Wendy. "We all saw what happened in the classroom. She's pretty smart and seemed pretty scared introducing herself to the class."

"Well, yeah, I guess," said Bebe.

"Maybe she's not an asshole like her cousin. I say we at least give her a chance," said Wendy, who began to approach Cierra's table.

"If you say so, Wendy," said Bebe still skeptical, but following her to the table.

Cierra noticed the girls approaching her table and quickly put her book under her lunch tray.

"Hi, Cierra," said Wendy.

Cierra looked down to her food and wrung her hands nervously. "Hello," she said softly.

"Do you mind some company?" Wendy asked. "All the other tables are occupied."

Cierra stared at her for a moment, and then said, "Mm-mm," shaking her head. "Go ahead."

All the girls sat around Cierra and began eating their lunch, with Wendy sitting next to her. Cierra made little to no eye contact with the girls as they chattered around her. Wendy noticed her lack of participation and tried to include her.

"Cierra?" asked Wendy. "I thought the point you made during my presentation was very insightful."

Cierra perked up and looked toward Wendy. "Really?" she asked sounding surprised.

"Mm-hmm. You made a solid counterpoint without being disrespectful to mine," said Wendy.

"Yeah…" said Cierra. "Except for the whole calling you a bitch thing," Cierra cracked a small grin before it fell and she looked back to her food.

Wendy tried to capitalize on Cierra briefly opening up. "So...what's your opinion on Lady Gaga?"

Cierra looked to Wendy with a raised eyebrow. "Lady Gaga?" Wendy's face fell but Cierra then added, "A brilliant musician more focused on gimmicks than making music with substance."

"Oh…my…God!" said Wendy. "I know right?! She's a brilliant pianist and yet she puts out these surreal videos for overall mediocre songs."

"At least they're just mediocre," said Cierra sounding more comfortable. "Justin Bieber's a great drummer and what does he focus on?" Cierra stuck her finger in her throat and made a gagging noise as Wendy laughed. Cierra laughed with her and smiled and this time let the smile stay on her face. Soon, all the girls joined in on their conversation, forgetting their lunches in the process. As lunch was five minutes away from being over, Cierra seemed to have won over Wendy if not all the girls. Cierra and Wendy cleared their trays and returned to the table. All the other girls left to clear their trays and Wendy and Cierra sat alone.

"Wow, Cierra," said Wendy. "You really surprised me."

Cierra raised an eyebrow to her again. "How so?"

"Well," said Wendy. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I didn't think I could ever be friends with you."

"Why?" said Cierra becoming slightly agitated.

"Well, I mean," Wendy said. "You know how your cousin is, and after the whole 'liberal, hippie, bitch' comment. Well...I'm just glad you didn't turn out to be like Cartman."

Cierra narrowed her eyebrows at Wendy. "Yeah…"

"I don't mean anything by it, it's just—" Wendy put her arm on Cierra's shoulder and tried to explain less harshly, but Cierra interrupted her.

"It's ok. You're not anything like Eric says either."

"What—what does Cartman say about me?" Wendy asked.

"Just that you're a liberal, hippie, bitch of a slut who can't keep her legs closed," Cierra said flatly.

Wendy narrowed her eyebrows and spat, "Figures."

"But I don't believe that, Wendy," said Cierra quickly.

"Oh, good," said Wendy.

"Yeah, I mean you're not nearly pretty enough to be a slut," Cierra added matter-a-factly.

Wendy froze and felt like the entire cafeteria went silent.

"What?" she said, taken aback by the statement.

"Well," Cierra explained, "in order to be a slut, you have to be attractive. You should have either beauty or money to attract boys. But, let's face it, Wendy; I'm surprised you were able to land Stan."

Wendy took her hand off of Cierra's shoulder, her mouth open and silently gasping.

"Wendy," said Bebe returning to the table. "What's going on?"

"Just two friends being honest," said Cierra brightly.

Wendy got up and left Cierra sitting at the table.

"What's wrong?" asked Cierra. "I said you're _not _a slut."

"You called me ugly!" squeaked Wendy.

"No, I didn't!" shouted Cierra. "Just because _I'm_ prettier than you doesn't mean I called you _ugly_!"

"Oh, so now you're _prettier_ than me?!"

"Not that hard to be, Wendy. So, Stan likes brains over beauty. So what?"

"Stan likes me for my brains _and _looks!" snapped Wendy.

"Must have low standards," Cierra muttered.

"Why don't you shut the hell up?" said Bebe. "You think you're hot shit? You don't even _have _a boyfriend. But how could you get one with those fake hair extensions anyway?" she added with a smug grin.

"Oooh!" said all the girls.

"Hair extensions?" said Cierra with her hands on her hips. "Bitch, don't even. At least I'ma _natural_ blonde. Sad that even in a hick town like this, people have to _buy_ their hair in a discount, ghetto bottle."

"Ohhhhhh!" said the girls.

"Ah!" squeaked Bebe. "Who's the fake blonde? I'm a natural!"

"Really?" said Cierra in mock surprise. "Could've fooled me. When's the last time you ran a comb through that ratty mane? Maybe it would look _half _as good as mine with a three-hour trip to the salon...and then another 5 for the actual beautician work," Cierra added with a snap.

Bebe, Wendy and all the girls stood there stunned while Cierra left to collect her things at the table.

"Later," she said, not even looking back at them.

The boys made their way out of the lunchroom after inhaling their food. They had just let the door shut behind them before seeing the girls stomp through the doors in a huff.

"Ugh!" Wendy exclaimed. "That smart-ass bitch!" She clutched her fists in anger. "Who does she think she _is_?"

"Cartman's cousin, Wendy!" said Bebe just as enraged. "What did you expect?"

"Where does she get off? See if _she_ makes any friends here _now_." Wendy added.

"Whoa!" said Kyle. Soon Cierra left the lunchroom as well, looking unfazed as she passed through the doors. "What happened at lunch?"

"Not my fault they're so sensitive," said Cierra bitterly. "But what should I aspect from the girlfriend of Stan Marsh?" she added sassily.

"Hey!" shouted Stan as he pointed to her. "You better watch what you say, kid. Just because you're a girl doesn't mean I won't kick your ass!"

"Ha!" Cierra laughed arrogantly. "You don't have the _balls_ to touch me."

Stan closed in on her face menacingly. "Talk bad about Wendy again and see," he said while gritting his teeth.

Cierra scoffed. "Get your stank breath outta my face." She took a step back from Stan. "I'm just doing my job. I'm Eric's substitute, remember?"

"Try not to do your job _too_ well," said Kyle. "We don't need _two_ Cartman's around here."

"Pfff, whatever," Cierra said, rolling her eyes. She stuck her nose in the air and left the boys behind.

The rest of the day seemed to go by in a blur. Before the boys knew it, dismissal had come. Just like at lunch, Cierra made sure she was the first one out of the classroom, while the three boys left last. Outside, the boys crossed the street and headed toward their school bus's stop but Kyle hesitated.

"What's wrong, Kyle?" asked Stan.

"I don't know, dude," he began. "Maybe we shouldn't go on the bus today. After what happened earlier—,"

"Move it, fags!" said Cierra pushing the boys out of her way. "Ever hear of 'ladies first'?" she added with a haughty tone.

The boys looked to each other, all of them frustrated.

"What do you think, Kenny?" asked Stan. "We walking home?"

"Yeah," mumbled Kenny. "Fuck that bitch."

"You guys go on ahead," said Kyle. "I have to wait for Ike."

"Alright, dude," said Stan. "See you in a minute."

As Stan and Kenny waved goodbye to Kyle, he looked over to see Cierra still pushing others to clear a path to the bus.

"Kyle!" said a high pitched voice. Kyle saw his little brother about the cross over to his side of the street.

"Ike, hold on!" Kyle shouted. "Wait until the light's red! I'll come get you!"

But Ike didn't listen. He looked both ways but the light was still green. As he wobbled across, a fast moving car was closing in on the crosswalk, trying as hard as possible to get through the now yellow light.

Kyle ran frantically to get to his brother but the car passed by before he could get to him. Ike screamed as he froze before the car.

"AHHHHH! KYLE!"

"IKE!" Kyle screamed as the car passed where his brother stood. For a moment, there was silence but soon Kyle saw his brother: He was in one piece; safely wrapped in the arms of Cierra Cartman.

Cierra broke her huddled position over Ike and asked the little Canadian, "Are you ok?"

Ike babbled happily when he realized he was safe, even going so far as to give Cierra a hug. She smiled at this but felt her heart sink when she saw Kyle approaching and left to return to the bus. As Kyle came to his brother, he just caught a glimpse of Cierra hopping on the school bus as it drove away.

A/N: Wow! This chapter is LONG! Hope you like it! New chapter next week; please read and review.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: This chapter's a little shorter than I thought it would be, but I hope you like it anyway! Enjoy! :3

Chapter 4: Chapter 3 –Being a Kiss-Ass

The world inside Hell's Hospital only made faint noises outside Eric Cartman's room. It had been three day since he had been home. And for those three days, Eric had no choice but to eat the food the hospital assigned to him. Cartman lay in his bed with heavy bags under his eyes, drained of nearly all his energy. He alternated between staring at his room's doorknob to the plate of food on his tray. His lunch had been a plate of boiled vegetables and skinless chicken, and he had been poking it with his plastic spork for almost five hours.

"I can't believe they call this crap a meal," Cartman said wearily. "I haven't had any _real_ food in days." Cartman dropped his spork in the Styrofoam plate and pushed the tray away with a wimpy moan. He fell backwards, exhausted, closed his eyes and banged the back of head on the wall behind him.

At that moment a nurse came in with a new tray of food.

"Eric Cartman?" she asked. "Dinner time."

Cartman groaned loudly. "I'm not hungry," he said not even looking at the nurse.

"But it's vegetable soup," said the nurse. "It's pretty light, healthy, and has no noodles to upset your stomach."

Cartman balled his hands into fists and closed his eyes tighter. "I said 'I'm not hungry!' "

The nurse walked to his bedside table and placed the new tray next to him. "I'll leave it here for you for later."

"Goddamn it!" Cartman muttered softly in frustration, his fists still balled and now shaking angrily. "What asshole would eat soup with no noodles?"

Suddenly, the nurse reappeared. "Eric Cartman?"

"What?" he groaned exasperatedly.

"You have a little visitor."

Behind the nurse, Cartman saw his visitor: A blond haired little girl about his age, whose backpack looked exceptionally full. She struggled noticeably with the backpack, but managed to summon the energy to say, "Hi, Eric," and wave feebly.

"Cierra!" Cartman shouted overjoyed to see his cousin. "Come in! Come in!" he waved her toward him and leapt from his bed excitedly.

Cierra came in with a shy smile on her face.

"Gosh, I missed you, cuz!" Cartman shouted again. He threw his arms around Cierra and embraced her tightly. Cierra tried to return it, but still struggled with her backpack

"Aw, isn't that cute?" The nurse cooed, smiling at the sight and oblivious to Cierra pain.

Soon, the nurse was gone and as soon as she was out of earshot, Cartman let go of Cierra.

"It's about time you got here!" Cartman yelled urgently. "You won't believe the crap these people are giving me, Cierra! Look, look, look!" He walked over to his lunch tray. "Can you believe this?" He jammed his spork into a piece of broccoli. "Boiled. Broccoli." Cierra cringed. "They actually expect me to _eat_ this crap!" Cartman threw the broccoli back onto the plate. "I thought they were supposed to help me _get rid_ of my food poisoning not make it worse!"

"Boiled broccoli is pretty gross," Cierra said softly.

"'Gross'?! It's fucking disgusting!" Cartman shrieked. "But it's either their overcooked crap… or nothing at all." Cartman added dramatically.

"I'm sorry, Eric," Cierra said sorrowfully.

"You don't have to be, Cierra," said Cartman. He folded his arms and added, "as long as you brought what I sent you for."

Cierra wobbled as she put her backpack down gently and slowly pulled out a bucket with a familiar red-and-white striped pattern.

"Alright!" Cartman cheered. "Colonel!"

Cierra pulled out several red-and-white boxes as well, each one having the familiar KFC logo and each one making Cartman more and more ecstatic. As Cierra set the final box down, Cartman tackled the bucket of fried chicken first.

"You got extra crispy right?!" Cartman asked, enthralled with his dinner.

"Mm-hmm," Cierra nodded to her cousin.

Cartman didn't need another word. He began eating the chicken ravenously, not even bothering with the dipping sauce.

"Oh my God, Cierra," he said breathily between chews. "You are the best cousin _ever_." He finished one leg down the bone in seconds and began greedily chomping the next like a starved dog.

"Are you sure eating all of that won't make you sick again?" asked Cierra sheepishly.

"Ugh," Cartman groaned. "It's simple logic Cierra. _Thinking_ about eating the hospital's food made me nauseous. I've never gotten sick after eating Colonel, so obviously Colonel is better for me to eat to get better."

"I-I don't know…" Cierra looked to the ground.

"There's something missing from this exquisite dinner though," said Cartman. "Hmm," he said in mock thought. "What could it be? Hmm…I know!" He turned to her. "Your progress report!"

"Oh, right!" Cierra went digging through her backpack and pulled out her red chapter book. Its title was in blazing gold letters on the cover

"'How to be an Asshole 101'," said Cierra, reading its title out loud. She opened the book and turned quickly to chapter one.

"Being the Devil's Advocate?" Cartman asked remembering the first chapter's title.

"I…" Cierra looked to her notes, "…challenged Wendy Testaburger's feminism speech."

"Good, good," Cartman nodded. "How—" Cartman was holding back a chuckle. "How did she react?"

"'Anger…'" said Cierra, "'…and stunned silence'."

Cierra saw Cartman's appreciative smile and smiled back.

"Chapter Two?" Cartman asked, craving more stories of other's misery.

"'Insults?'" Cierra flipped to her notes again. "I called Wendy… 'a girl who's not a skank, but one not pretty enough to even be a skank'."

Cartman's face fell slightly. "So…you called her ugly?"

"Well, basically," said Cierra. Sensing Cartman's lack of enthusiasm, she hurriedly added, "I also said 'Stan must've been pretty desperate to settle for you'."

"Okay…" said Cartman hesitantly. "That's a little better."

"I also called Bebe… 'A bitch who's nappy hair couldn't be fixed by even the best stylists'. And that got her and _all_ the girls really, _really_ pissed off."

"A little long-winded, Cierra," said Cartman. "But getting every girl in 4th grade pissed off at you is a start."

"Eric…" Cierra began, "are you sure this will get everyone to like me?"

Cartman looked intensely at Cierra.

"I-I-I mean," she stammered, "I-I just don't know if being an asshole is the way to go."

"Cierra…" said Cartman. "We've been through this." He approached his cousin. "Being my cousin means that everyone hates you. Everyone at school is already super jealous of you." He put his hand on her shoulder. "You have to be an asshole to them to teach them what happens when they try to knock somebody down who's better than they are, remember?"

"Yeah…" said Cierra. She turned away, still feeling uncertain.

"Cierra, they were all gonna be assholes to you anyway," added Cartman. "They act that way to me all the time 'cause they know I'm super cool and they see it as a threat." He turned Cierra back to him. "Just _being_ my cousin makes them hate you because they think you're as awesome as me."

"No one's as awesome as you, Eric," said Cierra softly.

"I know," said Cartman, "But they still pick on you unfairly. It's wrong." He saw Cierra looking down at her feet again, wringing her hands. He tilted her head up. "Trust me, cuz. You're better off without those assholes. You've got me remember?" He pointed to himself. "You don't need anybody else, yeh?"

"Yeah," said Cierra with a small smile. "You've always been there for me, Eric."

"That's right," said Cartman tenderly. "So just stick with me and we'll give those buttholes what for!"

"Oh!" Cierra gasped. "That reminds me." Cierra flipped to the back of her book and showed him a picture from earlier that day. "I called it an 'ass centipede'."

Cartman took one look at the picture and burst out in cackling laughter. To him, this was sweeter than all the KFC in the world.

"Hahahahahahahaha! Oh, Jesus!" he gasped. "This is so awesome! Hahahahaha!"

Cierra tried to laugh too, but didn't feel the need to. So she just smiled at her cousin's laughter, happy to see him happy.

"Hahahahaha…" Cartman's laughter echoed off of his room's walls. "Oh, God…and—and—," he gasped, "—And they were seriously pissed off, right?" Cierra nodded and Cartman resumed his hearty laughter. It was like that for a good hour until Cartman felt his laughter trail off as he gasped for air.

"Cierra…" he put his arm around her again. "There's hope for you yet."

Cierra struggled to keep her smile and Cartman was too overjoyed to notice it had turned into a grimace and then completely faded away.

A/N: Short chapter, I know but it's on time! And Cartman's not dead, yay! ….Come on, you all know he makes the show! Read and review! Please? :3


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: This is probably the chapter I had the most difficulty writing but hopefully it was worth it. Hoping you're all liking the story so far, it feels great getting to write fanfiction again. So without further ado, enjoy Chapter Five!

Chapter Five: Chapter 4—Lying Through Your Teeth

"_Cierra, there's hope for you yet_." Cartman's words that afternoon echoed in Cierra's mind. It had been many hours since then, but remembering Cartman's delight with her work had helped Cierra get through the four hour petal to from Hell's Hospital to the South Park Inn. As soon as she came home, she dove for her bedroom. She now sat at a large desk and was dressed from head to toe in baggy clothing. The hoodie she wore slightly obscured her vision so she needed to habitually push it up just to see her homework. From corner to corner, every inch of the desk's top was covered in papers. Cierra had been home for over three hours but had barely made a dent in her homework as she was preoccupied.

"Hmm," said Cierra to herself. "Eric said my insults are lacking. Too lengthy." She picked up her how-to book from the floor and flipped though it to find some suggestions in the "Insults" chapter.

"A lot of these are racial slurs," she noted sadly.

She raised an eyebrow at a particular sentence: "When all else fails, use _The Passion_."

"That movie sucked," said Cierra. She pushed through a pile of papers and found a short pencil. She tapped the book with the pencil's dull point and began to chew on its eraser.

"Ohhh…" she sighed wearily. She slumped backwards into her swivel chair and then started tapping the pencil's eraser on her head. "This has always been the hardest part," Cierra muttered. She tossed the pencil back onto the desk. "But I can't be an asshole without some good insults."

Suddenly, Cierra heard a charm ringing in her apartment. Cierra peaked through her bedroom door and saw the living room clock just as the second hand had crept past the hour hand.

"4 AM?" she said softly. She closed the door quietly and rushed back to her desk. "I have to head to the bus stop in a few hours." She brought a pile of papers nearer to her and reclaimed her discarded pencil. "No point in BOTH of us failing," she said as she began. She rubbed her eyes fiercely as she began the work. "'Name'," she read out loud and in the sloppiest handwriting she could muster she scribbled, "Eric Cartman."

A few hours later, the three boys had gathered at the bus stop. Kenny and Stan stood with awestruck looks on their faces as Kyle told them the act he had witnessed the previous day.

"There is no. way. Dude," said Stan. "There's NO WAY."

"Really!" said Kyle. "I saw it! She jumped in front of the car and saved Ike!"

"But…why?" mumbled Kenny. "Why would she do that?"

"It's so…nice…Agh!" Stan held his head in pain. "I can't believe I'm even saying that in a sentence about CARTMAN'S relative."

"I know it's hard to believe, you guys, but it's true!" insisted Kyle. "Ok, yeah, she's a total jerk, but she's not…" he trailed off trying to find the word. "…Evil."

"Well…maybe that's just it," said Stan.

"What do you mean?" asked Kyle.

"She's a substitute, dude," said Stan. "You know? 'Not the real thing, but an incredible simulation'?"

Kyle's face fell a little.

"How do you know she wasn't trying to push Ike IN the way?" Stan suggested. "Or if she was only doing it to try to trick you again? Doesn't that sound like something Cartman would do?"

Kyle thought in silence for a while and eventually responded. "It does…" He turned away from his friend. "…But Cartman would never intentionally put his life in danger for me. Let alone my little brother."

Kyle looked in the distance and saw Cierra approaching the bus stop. She dragged her feet exhaustedly and held her head down as she gripped her backpack straps tightly.

"Move." She muttered flatly. She pushed Kyle aside to stand between him and Kenny all the while still looking to the ground. Stan indicated this to Kyle with a 'you see?' hand gesture while Kyle replied with an 'I don't know' shoulder shrug.

"Uh, morning, Cierra," said Kyle.

"Whatever," muttered Cierra irritably.

"I…never got to thank you for yesterday," continued Kyle.

"For what?" said Cierra. "Helping you come out of the closet, fag?"

Kyle's eyebrows slightly narrowed but he tried to keep his temper. "No…for saving Ike. My brother?"

Cierra finally looked from the ground to Kyle's face. "What the HELL are you talking about?"

Kyle turned to face Cierra. "Yesterday!" he shouted in disbelief. "Ike was about to be run over by a car and you saved him!"

"Wow…" Cierra gasped. "I knew that Jews were liars but I thought they were supposed to be GOOD liars."

"What?!" yelled Kyle losing his patience with Cierra. "I'm not lying!" He pointed to her. "You saved Ike from being run over by a speeding car!"

"I have no IDEA what you're talking about." Cierra turned away from Kyle as the bus began to approach. "Like I'd pass up letting a Jew die."

Kyle's jaw hit the ground. "Since when do YOU hate Jews?!"

"Why shouldn't I?" said Cierra turning to face Kyle again. "Not only was Eric right about them being liars, but I saw _The Passion_, Kyle! It's all YOUR people's fault that OUR Messiah is dead!"

"Oh, no," said Stan pinching the bridge of his nose. "Not this again."

"Do you even have any idea how old that movie is?!" Kyle shouted furiously. "The creator of that movie is nothing but a big wacko douche!"

"Don't taunt Mel Gibson, Kyle!" said Cierra her voice rising in tone. "Even if the movie sucks, it doesn't make what he said any less true!"

Before Kyle could come up with a retort, his angry expression began to take on one of worry. He noticed dark bags underneath Cierra's eyes and something odd about Cierra's tone. Before he could point it out, the bus arrived and Cierra gave him a smug smile.

"Figures you don't have a response," she said haughtily. "Maybe next time you'll think twice before making up stories about me, you no-good lying Jew!" And with that, she pulled her straps and stomped onto the bus in a huff.

Stan and Kenny came to Kyle's side.

"Dude, what happened?" asked Stan. "You totally could've taken her!"

"Stan…" Kyle stared after Cierra. "That wasn't Cartman."

"WHAT?!" Stan asked confused.

Later that day at recess, Cierra sat alone on a swing, shaking herself awake for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. As she tried as hard as she could to fight her eyelids constantly closing, she never even noticed the three pairs of eyes watching her from a distance.

"I don't understand, Kyle," said Stan on the merry-go-round. "What did you mean when you said 'That wasn't Cartman'?"

"I've been bullied by Eric Cartman my entire childhood, Stan," said Kyle. "And I know a monster when I see one and hear one." Kyle looked over at Cierra alone. "When she was arguing with me at the bus stop, it SOUNDED like Cartman but…something was…off."

"Off?" asked Kenny.

"I always felt that Cartman got this weird satisfaction from seeing me mad." He faced away from Stan and Kenny and walked a short distance from them. "The way he'd laugh, the way he'd smile;" he clenched his fists. "He _thrives_ off of other people's misery." He released his fists, walked back to his friends and sat on the ground. "Cierra…I don't know." He looked over at Cierra again and stood. "There's something…off." He rested his face in his hands. "Something…hollow…" he continued, "…about the way she antagonizes me." He looked to Cierra one last time as the bell for recess's end rang. Stan and Kenny headed for the school doors but Kyle lingered behind and watched Cierra sluggishly head for the doors as well.

As the playground emptied, Cierra lost her balance and fell to her knees. Cierra began to brush the snow from her coat and face as she heard a voice nearby.

"Are you, OK?" asked Kyle.

"What's it to you, Jew boy?" asked Cierra bitterly.

"I saw you fall and wanted to see if you were alright."

"Why?" Cierra snapped at Kyle. "I'm not gonna pay you anything for your sympathies." Cierra rose to her feet. "Get a hand out somewhere else."

"I didn't want any money from you!" shouted Kyle.

"Really?" said Cierra mockingly. "The only reason any Jew does anything is for money."

Kyle stood taken aback for a moment but soon responded with, "You don't believe that."

"What?" said Cierra. "Yes I do!"

"No, you don't," said Kyle. "And I'm willing to bet that you don't think all Jews are liars either."

"Oh, a gambling Jew. Interesting!" Cierra said sarcastically.

"That's enough!" yelled Kyle. "I've been around Eric Cartman long enough to know a true monster when I see one, and you aren't it!"

A slightly worried look overtook Cierra's face. "W-what—what do you mean?"

"When I look into Eric Cartman's eyes, I don't see anything but hatred and pettiness. That isn't what I saw when I looked into _your_ eyes this morning."

"W-what is this?" said Cierra defensively. "Some stupid soap opera?"

"I just don't get you, Cierra." Kyle began circling her. "You introduce yourself to us cheerfully, trip us on the bus, show shyness and amazing smarts in the classroom, make every girl in 4th grade hate you, call us "fags" over and over, _save my brother's life_ and then deny it and call me a 'no good Jew' the very next day?" Cierra's face became increasingly narrow as Kyle listed her deeds. "You've acted like a jerk, alright, but you're no monster, Cierra," said Kyle shaking his head. Cierra's eyes flew open in shock. "You might act one, but there's no way in hell you could ever _be_ one."

Cierra was shaking and gripping herself tightly, as though she was a bottle of soda about to explode.

"Why can't you just admit it, Cierra?!" Kyle yelled. "You will _never_ be Eric Cartman!"

Cierra turned sharply to him. "WHY DON'T YOU JUST STEP THE FUCK OFF, YOU NOSEY-ASS KIKE!" she snarled making Kyle step back. "NO ONE ASKED YOU YOUR GODDAMNED OPINION!" She ran in a screaming huff and managed to drop something behind her: a book.

Kyle dusted the snow from the book and read the title in astonishment. "'How To Be An Asshole 101'?"

Cierra wiped a straying set of tears from her eyes. "He's nothing but a liar…" she muttered tearfully. "Just like Eric said…" She ran off into the school building not even realizing what she had left behind—her instruction manual and one very confused Jewish boy.

A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed this one because I sure as hell enjoyed writing it! :D Read and review, please! This story is entering the homestretch!


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